Mommin' Ain't Eazy

 It's been a while since I made myself sit down and type something out. Between moving to a new city, the gauntlet of holidays from Halloween through New Years, and just general life and motherhood, free minutes have been few and fleeting. I'm making a concerted effort to change that and for good reason.

As a society, we talk a lot about motherhood and a lot that it entails; pregnancy, child birth and labor, breastfeeding, and the topic of postpartum depression is even becoming much more mainstream. We celebrate the magic and the hard work that encompasses being a mom, but there's one thing we don't really discuss; the loneliness. 

As moms, we give everything we have for our children and our family. We sacrifice our bodies, our health and even our sanity at times to make sure those growing little people are happy, safe, and secure. And for the most part, we do it willingly. But sometimes that means sacrificing those little pleasures we cherished before kids. A lot of those sacrifices include friendships and a social life. No longer are the days we could answer a spontaneous call at 9pm for drinks or a show. Nights out now require a minimum two weeks notice, an available sitter, and a whole lot of hopes and prayers that your kid doesn't catch that stomach bug that everyone else is passing round the night before. 

Relationships change as life changes and if you're one those lucky few who still have a dedicated friend group after kids, cherish every second you can. A lot of moms find themselves feeling isolated, hoping only to have an adult conversation with someone other than a spouse, significant other, relative or Nancy, that nice cashier at the grocery store who, by this point, is probably trying to plan sneaking off to her break time around your usual shopping trip. Let's face it, there's only so many times one woman can discuss the adventures of the Paw Patrol with a rambling 3 year old before she wants to crack a bottle of wine before 9am. 

Thankfully, there are resources out there for moms to combat the loneliness that comes along with mommin'. The app Peanut was a great resource for me when I was just starting my journey to motherhood. An entire app of moms from all over the world who are all going through the same and different struggles and triumphs I was. From groups to message boards and even a local mom friend finder (I affectionately described as Mom Tinder), there was a little bit of everything. I ended up joining a local playdate group which had a few organized activities planned each month. I packed the boys up for a few that were close to us so that they could get out and socialize in a "socially distanced" world. It was great for them, they got to meet other littles and we found a few new spots to visit when we needed to run off some steam. Occasionally I'd get to chit chat with the other moms while we watched our kids run.

Then we moved. A new city, further north, quite a bit of distance from the majority of the playgroup's activities. No complaints though, the move was a great thing for our family and we landed in an amazing community with great schools and I truly love our family home. The moms in the new location were not as active on the app, so we tried to find time here and there to drive south to meet our former playgroup. It was tougher and tougher each time, having to pack up two rambunctious toddlers, all their snacks and supplies, and make the long drive there and back. We started exploring our neighborhood and surrounding parks instead. But slowly, that loneliness started creeping back in. 

I found an online mom group specifically for my new city on Facebook.  It was fantastic! Moms were posting all the time with different problems, advice, school happenings, or just sharing funny stories. Every so often a familiar post would appear; another mom, facing loneliness and just looking for some kind of connection. And we all offered kind words and encouragement, but that only goes so far. I was able to make a few online connections with other moms, chatting occasionally through messages. 

Now if you know me, you probably know I'm horribly socially awkward and anxious. I'm the quiet one who sits in in the corner at the party petting the dog and watching everyone else. You've seen the memes before: 

Yeah, I could have written that. So putting myself out there was a bit daunting. Will they think I'm weird and desperate? Who doesn't have girlfriends at this age? What do I talk about besides my kids? What am I supposed to wear and should I do my hair? If there was an inane, anxiety-ridden question possible, it probably went through my head at some point. 

But I did it. I decided to put myself out there and organized a meetup at a local bar. Essentially a blind date for lonely moms...take that Mom Tinder! And moms responded! I had 20 moms respond yes and another 30 say maybe. I hyped myself up for two weeks, had the hubby on lockdown for kid duty, and my outfit picked out. The day of I woke up with a visual aura, my cue that a debilitating migraine was on the horizon. I popped ibuprofen, chugged water, tried to stay low-key for the day, but I knew it was inevitable. My migraines are usually triggered by intense periods of stress, so I knew I likely caused my own problem. I contacted another mom who was going to ask her to take over as a meeting person, someone the rest of the group could look for at the bar. She happily agreed and I sequestered myself in a dark room for the night. 

I went to bed that night feeling so defeated and kinda foolish. I mean, who organizes an event and then doesn't show up for it? I woke up the next morning with my usual after migraine feelin like a Mac truck just hit me vibe and opened Facebook on my phone. The first thing I saw was a picture of 6 smiling moms from the night before. They had fun and, better yet, they wanted to do it again. And other moms were commenting that they wanted to join too. It made my heart full. 

I had missed out, but at least 6 other moms had gotten a chance to forget about the laundry, the house, the dishes, or whatever else was waiting on them for a couple hours and just breathe. A chance to connect to someone local, face to face, who they might not have otherwise met. I told myself I wouldn't miss out again. I organized another event at another local bar. And this time we had 12 moms come hang out. We spent the night laughing, sharing stories from our lives, how we all came to be in the area, and discussed a few other local eccentricities that I dare not detail here. But at the end of the night, we were all relaxed and we were all happy. 

I can't speak for the rest of those moms present, but I felt sense of being recharged after that night. It's the same feeling the morning after a great first date or adventurous night on the town. It reminded me of what I felt like before I was a mom, and how much I had taken that for granted. I found myself more productive the next day and able to be much more patient with my trying toddlers. I don't want to forget that feeling again. And I know if I felt it, other moms did too.

So I'm making a commitment to myself to find those moments of happy, those deep breaths, and connections to other moms. Our next mom's night out is already in the works and should be scheduled and finalized soon. I'm so incredibly eager to see how far I can reach with this and how many moms I can impact.

Here's to hoping for a few new buddies along this adventure we call motherhood.